Blue CH3: In Which John Finally Figures It Out

((For once.))

You are John Egbert again, and you are once again seeking council with Rose Lalonde.

You think it sucks that this is at all necessary, but you have a last resort for a reason. The little.. what was it? Fish? Emote he sent you last night put you over the edge. You have gone on too long without having an explanation!

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] at 9:43 AM

EB: hey, rose.
TT: Hello, John. 
EB: i'm sorry to say it, but I am in need of your limitless knowledge.
TT: Flattery will get you no where, John. But what is it you need? 
EB: can you tell me what's going on with Karkat?
TT: I'm intrigued. Please elaborate.
EB: you know what I mean. he's been acting like more of an asshole lately, you know, more than normal.
EB: and he refuses to let me be nice to him!
EB: not only that, but he is coming up with the most elaborate insults. 
EB: have you ever been called an "atrocious clusterfuck of every deplorable quality imaginable, bundled up into one huge ball of blathering idiot that needs to shut is mouth before I injure it with all disregard to the medium in which it's pain is being caused?"
TT: I can't say I have. 
TT: However, what is going on here is painfully obvious to me. 
TT: Because of this, I'm not going to tell you anything. 
EB: aw, come on!
TT: No, this is all too amusing. 
TT: Why won't you do your own research on troll behaviour? It certainly can't hurt, and I assure you this little issue of yours will be solved if you dig deep enough.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 9:52 AM

It is Saturday, a day typically assigned to watching movies and talking to your friends. Rose is apparently requesting you spend the day researching. In your opinion, that is one of the worst ideas you've ever heard.

Instead, you decide to do something fun. There is a pizza place just up the street, and you have money saved up from your past few allowances. If that doesn't imply that you should ask Karkat and Dave to go hang out at Cheese Please Pizzeria, you don't know what does.
--
"I can't believe I agreed to this," Karkat groans loudly as you lead him and Dave down the street. "Why the fuck would I want to go eat with Egbert the Asshole and Strider the Stupid?"

Dave shrugs. "I'm pretty sure you can answer that question for yoursel-"

"Don't say a word, Strider." The blonde in question smirks. That's it, the two have successfully confused you.

"Anyway," you interrupt, "we're going to the pizza place for several reasons! I'm hungry, I have money, and to spite Rose." They couldn't glean much information from that, right? It wasn't difficult to be irritated by Rose, if simply because she always seemed to know more about people's problems than they did. Take, for example, the time Dave couldn't get his brother to pay for their group to go laser tagging. It turned out Rose new all along that Dave still owed Bro ten dollars and was simply refusing to tell him.

"I guess that makes sense," Karkat grumbled before adding under his breath, "but it doesn't make me not want to bash your face in." You, however, are none the wiser to the nature of his words. Karkat usually wants to bash your face in. This is no news. This fact doesn't stop Dave from rolling his eyes.

It doesn't take long for you to arrive at the pizzeria. While Karkat rambles about how this place is probably a piece of shit, you and Dave locate a table and sit. By the time the waitress can ask what you all want to drink, Karkat is describing the seats with a metaphor involving three cows, an alley cat and a cheese grater.

"Coke," Dave tells the waitress.

"Pepsi, please." You glare at Dave. He shakes his head as you mouth, "Manners."

Karkat pauses his rant, nearly breathless, before responding "Sprite." You stare at him. He groans. "Please."

After the waitress disappears into the crowd, You push a fist down on the table.
"You guys have terrible manners."

To your amazement, both of them laugh.
"Egbert, you are the biggest nerd I've ever met," Karkat says almost fondly. Dave nods in agreement. Despite your irritation, you can only smile. It's rare the two of them ever agree on anything, and for once Karkat seems relatively happy, even if it is at your expense.

The moment is broken when the waitress arrives again, and your face falls when Karkat returns to his trademark frown. It's really too bad, his smile is so cute.
Cute?
You dismiss the thought; it was only a slip of the mind.

The waitress asks what you want to order. You suddenly realize you'd not discussed what kind of pizza to get. Before you ask the others, though, Dave answers her rather loudly. "Pepperoni."
Karkat glares at him. "No fucking way, we're getting ham."
"Are you kidding? Ham is nothing. Pepperoni is a bright red rush of spicy meaty goodness bursting in your mouth like a tiny firecracker being lit by a spit soaked leprechaun."

You sigh, interrupting. "Ma'm, can you get us a medium ham and pepperoni?" The other two grumble reluctantly in agreement and the relieved waitress absconds to get your pizza.

The wait for your medium ham and pepperoni is uneventful save for Dave casually spilling his coke into Karkat's lap.

Once the food arrives, the table is silent if you don't count all the violently chewing pubescent boys. It's at least fifteen minutes before another word is spoken, and that is to argue over who doesn't get a third piece. Dave and Karkat end up finishing off the pizza.

All in all, nothing more happens that is worth noting. When you get home, however, you decide to heed Jade's advice from yesterday, rather than Rose's, simply because hers was delivered in quite possibly the most smug manner she could have managed.

You message Dave.

ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 2:12 PM

EB: hey dave! 
TG: sup
EB: that's your response to everything. 
EB: but I don't have time to laugh about it! 
EB: there are important things to figure out! 
TG: i have to ask a very important question egbert
TG: what the heck are you talking about?
EB: karkat 
EB: i'm talking about karkat! 
TG: what about him
TG: kindly elaborate for your confused bro here
EB: you're so much like your sister it's scary sometimes. 
EB: it is about his being an asshole. 
TG: i thought we'd established that as normal.
EB: have you not noticed? 
EB: he's more of an asshole than usual lately. 
TG: well. let's see.
TG: he agreed to go to the pizzeria with you.
EB: reluctantly! 
TG: bro, you're probably overreacting.
EB: he keeps showing me spades. 
TG: like the shovel?
EB: no, the card suit. 
TG: ...
EB: ... 
TG: ... oh, right, forgot about that.
EB: what? 
TG: you're the most oblivious dude I know, egbert. it's actually kind of cute.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBioligist [EB] at 2:27 PM

EB: argh!
EB: what is it with you people logging out on me?

--
spades
spades card suit
troll spades
troll culture spades
trolls spades card suits

Your recent google searches are a mess. However, you think you may have found something.

Troll Romance 101: Quadrants 
By Juli and Kiijon Shriva
Humans think about one kind of romance. It's a simple concept: romance is non-platonic love, correct? While that may be true for humans, it is far from the truth for trolls. Trolls' romance is based in quadrants. Each of these is typically represented by a card suit. There are two ways they can be divided: into red and black, and into those regarding reproduction and those that are more fundamentally platonic.

The first is matespritship, which is the most similar to human romance. It can be defined, simply, as being in love. Matespritship is one of the two quadrants dealing with reproduction. The two people within a matespritship are called matesprites, and one who wants to be in a matespritship with someone else is "flushed for them" or has a "flushed crush." Matespritship is represented by a heart.

The second 'red' quadrant, or quadrant dealing with positive feelings, is moiraillegiance. It can be best equated to human emotions as a best friend, but it's more than being soulmate best friends. A moirail is the protector of their moirail's heart. Moirails balance and complete each other. They keep each other grounded. Wanting to be moirails with someone is described as a "pale crush." Moiraillegiance is represented by a diamond.

The other two quadrants are associated with negative feelings, and like red romance, there is one dealing with reproduction and one that is, in human minds, platonic. Kismesisship can be most easily described as your greatest rival. Kismesises not only wish to injure each other, outdo each other and insult each other, they also kiss, hold hands and do other things that couples do. They relish each other's pain and hate each other, but don't want each other to die. Wanting to be in a kismesiship with someone is called. "caliginous" or "black" crush. Kismesiship is represented by the spade.

You stop reading before you get to auspistice. So that's it. Karkat hates you.. but not platonically. It's a difficult concept to grasp. Troll romance is odd.
But Karkat has a black crush? On you?
What did you ever do to make him hate you? You don't know whether to be flattered or offended. In fact, you're unsure of whether you should confront Karkat about it. The article described all four as a type of romance, and Karkat is a boy. You're pretty positive it doesn't really apply to trolls, but as for you, you are not a homosexual. You don't realize you've been sitting in your room pondering troll romance for hours until your dad calls, asking if you're going to sleep any time soon.
Turn's out it's nearly midnight.
"Yeah, night, dad!" you call out, tired now that you realize it. You can try and figure out what to do about Karkat's crush later.
Now is the time for sleep.